Keep her strong in Your love.

I feel so lost right now. Like I am in the middle of a dark forest with no direction out and the more I look for an escape the more confused I become. If you read yesterday's post you know what is going on.

I ended up at crisis again today with my daughter. Her will to live is becoming less and less. They allowed her to come home but we need to keep an eye on her and next week she begins what is called "Intense Outpatient Therapy". But what about therapy for us? Who takes care of the people who are taking care of the one who needs help? Who tells us how to do this? Or how to live with the guilt if it all fails in the end? How closely do you "keep and eye on her" or will that simply push her too far? Life has never seemed less clear then this week. How do you give someone back the will to live?

She's in her room right now and I just don't know what to do. Do I trust her in there? Do I check on her? What if I go down to her room and my worst fears are realized. What if I check too much and that makes things worse? Why the hell didn't someone write a book on parenting????

I am counting the hours until Bill gets home from work. I need him here, I need his strength even though his is fading as quickly as mine. I just need to know I am not alone in this and that he is here beside me for a few days. And then what? When those few days are over, then what? This doesn't end just because the weekend is over. This isn't just something that disappears overnight. How long do we analyze every word or statement that she makes.

If she says she wants to go to the snow, is that because she wants to see it one last time? If she says she wants to see her nieces is it to say goodbye? She just texted me from her room and said she was taking a nap and the first thing I thought was, will she wake up? How does a parent do this?

I keep getting the same message over and over from people...Pray for her. And I do, God knows how many countless times a day I do. But what if it isn't enough? If we lose her now just as I am finding my faith again what will that do to me, to my family? What if this isn't a test I am ready for?

I guess for now all I can do is pray. All I can do is ask those who know me to pray as well. All I can do is plead to God, "Please Lord, keep her strong in Your love."