It's the most Wonderful time of the year.

Have you ever wondered how it is that God talks to you. Maybe I am wrong but to me it is subtle signs and things that suddenly make you think about things that you normally just wouldn't be thinking about. I think God leads you somewhere and when you get there something there talks to you. To me that is God talking. Am I wrong? Maybe. But it's how I like to believe He works through us.

So here's what happened this mornings. Since I couldn't sleep I started surfing the web. My usual habit when sleep evades me. This morning I started at Craigslist looking for those nice oak end tables and coffee table that seem to be just out of my reach. Seems every time I find one that works they are already gone. Not a problem I will prevail eventually and the perfect set will show up one day. I just can't seem to tear myself away from the 1980-1990's decorating obsession with oak furniture. Oh well, guess I will just date myself with my furnishings! LOL.

Next I left feedback for my ebay purchases. Most have safely arrived and in great condition, just like promised. One doesn't seem to want to show up. Of course it's a Christmas gift so I am panicking even though I still have almost two weeks. After my ebay visit I do a little more surfing of the web and a lot more pity partying. Oh, woe is me. I don't feel good, Bill and I didn't get any time alone this weekend to reconnect....blah, blah, blah, blah. You've heard it all before. So I head over to our local newspaper's website just to check out what's happening in our little town. That's when reality clicks.

The front page headline is about a young man who is going to do a run across the country to bring awareness to Batten's Disease. Here's the link to the story Batten's Disease just click and it will take you there. This story really hit home with me and here's why. The family that this young man is running for is very close to me. One of the children, now young adult, afflicted with this devastating and always fatal disease is my daughter's best friend. She has been for nearly 10 years. We have watched as my daughter's best friend has gone from a fun loving girl to a now blind, and almost non communicative young woman. We have also watched as this disease has taken her younger sisters sight and her ability to control a lot of her emotions. It is a horrible disease and usually I am right there every year for this family, helping, cheering them on, doing what I can for them. However, since I have gotten worse with my illness I have stopped helping them. Maybe I can't do as much for them as I use to but I can still do something. I just choose not to. I am happier in my little house avoiding all my friends as I feel more and more sorry for myself and this disease that has taken my ability to live a full and thriving life. How selfish is that! I am not going to die, I am not going blind or losing two of my children. I simply can't stand up or sit up like I use to be able to do. Yes, I have bad days but nothing like compared to that of this family. And now I find that a 26 year old is setting aside almost four months of his life to bring attention to this disease for this family who I recently have done nothing for. Talk about a rude awakening!!!!

Feeling bad about how I have been ignoring this incredible family I read on, hoping to find some good in my visit to our local paper. The next article I read is about a 26 year old who just had his last wish granted by a local hospice. Here's the article on his fight. Another article about someone who will probably not see another Christmas after this one. Hmm, I am begining to see a pattern here. Perhaps it's a wake up call to poor little old me who thinks life is soooo difficult right now. Yeah, I would have to say definitely a wake up call. I guess the good news I was looking for wasn't actually written in the paper. It was written between the lines of the articles that I read. The article I should have been reading would be titled, It's the most WONDERFUL time of the year. It would be about all the things we have to be thankful for this holiday season. It would let us know that even though things look bad in our lives whether it be our health, the economy, finances, romances, family trouble, whatever; that you can't stop and hide from it. You need to keep smiling and you need to keep giving. I think when you let something take you away from the people or things that are important in your life then that thing has won and you have lost. And I have decided one very important thing this morning. I am no longer going to let this thing win!!!! I am too valuable of a person, of a wife, of a mother and of a friend to let one health issue take me away from all that is important to me. I need to remember that it can always be much worse and to sit around and feel sorry for myself is NOT the answer at Christmas time or anytime.

I need to be out there doing what makes me feel good and that is helping others. Somewhere along the way I forgot that. Somewhere along the way it became all about me and my struggles. That is not what life should be about. Life is about giving back for all the blessings we do have, even if there are obstacles in the way. So today I am going to get out of bed, do what needs to be done. And then I am going to see my friends who have been ignored for so long. I will bring them tidings of good cheer and maybe a Christmas goose or two. Well maybe just some Starbucks coffee but you get the idea. So I will be Scrooge no more, Bah Humbug will not be heard in this house again and I will keep Christmas in my heart all year long. I hope you all will too!

Rebuttles.....

So I had a couple of responses from some good friends sent to me by email. I wanted to share them with you all. The first one is from a Pastor that I have a lot of respect for. He really helped me to break down each part of my post and better understand what I was saying only in a more biblical sense since he knows the Bible so well. He does so with great understanding and with humor and I appreciate him doing so. Thank you "Steve" for your insight it was reaffirming and, as I would expect nothing less from you, very well thought out.

The second response if from a very good friend of mine that has known me for almost 30 years. How scary is that? Thank you Joni for taking the time to share with me your beliefs.

It is amazing to get different opinions from two people with totally different lifestyles. Read on and you will see that there are a lot of similarities to their answers.

"Steve" Wrote:

Hello Janet:
I simply copied your post and wrote my comments in red. Hopefully they will be helpful to your soul.

In my world God is a god of forgiveness, a god of understanding. He is in no way a spiteful God. In my world man's rules do not interfere with my understanding of God. I'm not going out and breaking any rules but the religions of today make rules from man's point of view not God's and it confuses me.

My dad called me today. Realize that he is concerned with all that is going on in my life and is trying his best to find a way to help. What he said though just added more confusion to my already out of control world. He told me that God is unable to help me or enter my life [God is never, never, never unable to help] because I have Rosary beads hanging on my Bible [and would never choose not to help just because of your rosary beads. The Bible is a great Book. THE Book in fact: the revealed Word of God; the guide for our faith, Psalm 19.7-10 says:

⁷ The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.

⁸ The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.

⁹ The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.

¹⁰ They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.

And yet, I am reminded of what Jesus said in John 5.39-40 about the Scriptures: He said, ³⁹"You diligently study the Scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the Scriptures that testify about me, ⁴⁰yet you refuse to come to me to have life".

The Bible is cool, it's our inerrant guide and help in times of trouble - but it is NOT the OBJECT of our faith, but rather Jesus is. God don't care if you put rosary beads on your Bible.

I was raised Catholic, I raised my children as Catholics, I taught religious education at our church for several years. Eventually I turned away from the Catholic church. For me it was just too depressing of a religion. I want to believe that God wants us to feel His love and not guilt when we turn to Him in prayer and in our daily lives. The Catholic religion didn't offer this to me so I left it.

If you have seen my Facebook page the personal quote I have listed on it is what I believe. It says, "Faith is the strongest religion". Too many religions are based on man's rules not on God's. They have taken the word of God and turned it around to fit their religions or the rules they want their followers to live by. The only word I feel we should be living by is that of the word of God. So I follow my faith, not a religion. I feel it is only through our own faith that we can find the love of God.

I had a pastor once who asked me this question: He said, "Steve", I'm not saying that's my real name, but perhaps it is ;-) , he said, "Steve, how many religions do you think there are in the world?" I thought about it and ventured a guess I'm sure. Maybe I guessed 3000, possibily 5000. I don't remember cuz there were a lot of religions at the time. And I had no idea how many religions there were in the world. But the answer he gave me was so impactful - and true - that I have never forgotten it and have used it in many a sermon and as a foundation for life.

He said, "Steve" (I don't know why he keeps calling me that), "there are only 2 religions in the world: Faith and Works. Every religion is based on either one or the other." He said, "You either have to DO something to make yourself right with God and reach God, or, you have faith that God can reach you." I got to thinking about all the religions that came to mind and sure enough, he was right. And furthermore, Christianity was the only religion that was based on faith rather than works! That just lifted a load of "religious" people off of my back immediately (don't ever call me religious again, 'k?). The Bible says, "There is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus" (1 Timothy 2.5). That's how God reached us, through Jesus. Our faith makes the connection complete - not our works. Janet, I luuuuuuuv where you stand on this.

"Faith and Works...Faith and Works...Faith and Works."

So back to my question [yes of course, back to your question], "Is God a spiteful God?" [hm] and I ask this because according to my dad, who is strongly influenced by the Jehovah Witnesses, has told me that my rosary beads are a Pagan symbol and the word of God cannot enter my home as long as I have them hanging on my family Bible [blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah]. Okay so I have two questions about this actually. First of all if you look up the word Pagan it is simply a different form of beliefs. Pagans worship the earth and the moon cycles they are actually a very peaceful religion. Pagans do not believe in God so how would Rosary beads with the Son of God on the crucifix be a Pagan symbol??? I believe the word my father is looking for is Demonic or Satanic. He believes that the Catholic religion, in fact all Christian religions, have been taken over by the Devil, therefore the Rosary beads are in some way now a symbol of the Devil. How in any way, shape or form would this be Pagan? A belief in the worship of Earth, Nature and Moon is not the worship of the Devil [a more gentler blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah]

Although we should "be self controlled because your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5.8; the devil influences people who in turn influence religions, and yes dad's right, it happens in Christianity), both arguments for and against paganism fall apart under the weight of the Faith-Works position noted above. Additionally, as peaceful as "pagans" may be, the worship (and service perhaps) of the sun and moon is the worship of "created things rather than the Creator" (Roman 1.25). This does raise God's ire.

So onto the real reason for this blog [uh-huh]. My father also stated that as long as my Rosary beads remain on my Bible that God will not help me in my struggles with my daughter. So there in lies the question, is our God a spiteful God? [yes, the question] Can I honestly believe that God will not help me because I have what I believe to be a symbol of my Christianity hanging on a Bible? ["Asked and answered, your honor] Okay so for the sake of my dad, lets say he is right [he's not]. My Rosary beads have some how in some way become a Satanic symbol and I have them hanging there because I had no understanding of their new symbolism Is God going to deny me His help, His love and His directions because I unknowingly have this symbol in my home? That is like saying you are going to punish your child for doing something that he or she didn't know was wrong in the first place. Is this who we are to believe our God is. An angry or spiteful God that will punish us for unknowingly doing something wrong? I am sorry but that is NOT my God. My God would understand that in no way, shape or form am I purposefully doing something against Him and He would be forgiving enough to still offer me and my family His strength, His love and His guidance through these difficult times. [Agree wholeheartedly Janet. God has a way of showing us our waywardness - if we are seeking Him - and then guiding us to the right path. This may involve love in the form of "discipline"; but not spite in the form of "punishment", which he does reserve for unbelievers. BUT, playing devil's advocate here (hm...will God punish me for playing devil's advocate? Pray for me.); A more appropriate question would be, "Now that you are aware that it is a Satanic symbol (I'm not saying that it is) what do you do with THAT information? And how do you conduct yourself henceforth?

Maybe I am wrong but I have always believed that God takes us each at face value [He meets us where we are, yes]. He understands our fears, our doubts, the personal struggles we have encountered on our own seperate paths to discovering our Christianity and it is based on what He knows of each of us individually that will lead us to be judged by Him and Him alone and not on what one religion or another religion based on man's laws says [Preach it sister! Should I pass the plate?].

I love my father, I love and respect him more then most people on this earth. He has always been there for me. I can turn to him when things are at their hardest and he always tells me he is there for me, he supports me and he never has strings attached to that love and support. So because of this I will do what he asks. I will remove the Rosary beads from the Bible. Not because I think it is somehow keeping God out of my home but because it is important to my dad [Perhaps you can help him understand it just like that. It's not a bad thing to "honor our father and mother" (Exodus 20)]. It will give him the peace of mind that he needs right now. I only wish that he could once again find the God of love that I know and trust. A truly forgiving God that will be there for you when you need Him regardless of what you may or may not have done in your past, or even what you may unknowingly be doing right now. I pray that somehow my father will once again find a God that should be praised for His love and his glory, not feared because someone here on earth has taken the word of God and twisted it around for their own purpose. Man is an imperfect being and in being so he interprets things only with his understanding not with the understanding of the All Knowing God.

So because of this I say, "Faith alone is the strongest religion." No one on this earth can tell you if your faith is right or wrong. It is something personal between you and God. God will understand your strengths and weaknesses on the day that you stand before Him to be judged. And at least for me and hopefully someday again my father, the God of my Faith is one of Love.

[Wow! That's great. Love is the motivation that moved Him to send Jesus (John 3.16) and love should be the motivation that draws us to Him, in faith, through Christ - not fear.

What does the Bible say,"
¹⁸There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (1 John 4.18).

Feel free to use any for your blog.

This is the response I got from Joni:

Ok my dear, You know how I feel about religion, And over the years I have sought a relationship with God. I have had the same questions you are having. I have asked, “Are the people around me and those I love being punished for things that I have done that goes against God’s will?” The answer I have received from preachers are that God is not vindictive and he does not work that way. But on the other hand if you read parts of the bible or you listen to others you will see that God does punish those that go against his will. I have yet to find a man of God that I can sit down with and pose these questions. Most preachers/pastors will give you their interpretation of what is written. So I had to look at the things I did know. I know that I believe there is a higher power. I think I know it is God. I have faith that it is God. I also know that God died for my sins and that I am human and I will sin. There is no one on earth who is beyond that. I don’t go out of my way but I am human. But I also ask God to forgive me and to guide me to make better decisions. And when I am mindful of what I am doing I do make better choices. Religion is about faith. I have faith that God will not harm my loved ones because I am an idiot sometimes. Do I still question it? Of course I do. But it keeps me on my toes and helps make me a better person.

With that said,,,,,,,Janet, You are a kind and loving person. You have raised 2 terrific kids. But no matter what you do you have to realize that your children are responsible for their own lives now. They have to live by their decisions. Your job is done and done well. You are giving to the people around you. Look at the neighbor you have helped. Look at how you helped me when I had Bryan and even before that. You do so much good in the world that God will forgive you if you simply ask and have faith in him. If you read the book of Job you will see that God tested Job’s faith by taking away everything he had to see if Job would turn away from him. Job did not. He kept his faith and he was rewarded. God doesn’t make a habit of going around destroying people’s lives to test them. I do think sometimes he gives us obstacles so that we will turn to him. And it usually works.

As far as your dad is concerned. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. Allow him to believe his direction and be greatful that he believes in a higher power. A simple rosary does not keep God away. God will see that you are believing in him. I have heard lots of different religions and I think they all basically do believe a few simple things. There is a higher power, ask for forgiveness and believe. So sister, give yourself a break. Let go of your troubles and give them to God. After all things end with him anyway. I’m not saying not to help Sandy or anyone else. At the end of the day just remember to turn it over to God.

That is probably the most I have ever said about religion but I wanted to share my view because I do fear what I don’t completely understand. But I do get peace from faith….when I remember to use it!

Thank you both VERY MUCH!!!!

God Bless You,

Janet

Is our God really a spiteful God???

In my world God is a god of forgiveness, a god of understanding. He is in no way a spiteful god. In my world man's rules do not interfere with my understanding of God. I'm not going out and breaking any rules but the religions of today make rules from man's point of view not God's and it confuses me.

My dad called me today. Realize that he is concerned with all that is going on in my life and is trying his best to find a way to help. What he said though just added more confusion to my already out of control world. He told me that God is unable to help me or enter my life because I have Rosary beads hanging on my Bible. I was raised Catholic, I raised my children as Catholics, I taught religious education at our church for several years. Eventually I turned away from the Catholic church. For me it was just too depressing of a religion. I want to believe that God wants us to feel His love and not guilt when we turn to Him in prayer and in our daily lives. The Catholic religion didn't offer this to me so I left it.

If you have seen my Facebook page the personal quote I have listed on it is what I believe. It says, "Faith is the strongest religion". Too many religions are based on man's rules not on God's. They have taken the word of God and turned it around to fit their religions or the rules they want their followers to live by. The only word I feel we should be living by is that of the word of God. So I follow my faith, not a religion. I feel it is only through our own faith that we can find the love of God.

So back to my question, "Is God a spiteful God?" and I ask this because according to my dad, who is strongly influenced by the Jehovah Witnesses, has told me that my rosary beads are a Pagan symbol and the word of God cannot enter my home as long as I have them hanging on my family Bible. Okay so I have two questions about this actually. First of all if you look up the word Pagan it is simply a different form of beliefs. Pagans worship the earth and the moon cycles they are actually a very peaceful religion. Pagans do not believe in God so how would Rosary beads with the Son of God on the crucifix be a Pagan symbol??? I believe the word my father is looking for is Demonic or Satanic. He believes that the Catholic religion, in fact all Christian religions, have been taken over by the Devil, therefore the Rosary beads are in some way now a symbol of the Devil. How in any way, shape or form would this be Pagan? A belief in the worship of Earth, Nature and Moon is not the worship of the Devil.

So onto the real reason for this blog. My father also stated that as long as my Rosary beads remain on my Bible that God will not help me in my struggles with my daughter. So there in lies the question, is our God a spiteful God? Can I honestly believe that God will not help me because I have what I believe to be a symbol of my Christianity hanging on a Bible? Okay so for the sake of my dad, lets say he is right. My Rosary beads have some how in some way become a Satanic symbol and I have them hanging there because I had no understanding of their new symbolism. Is God going to deny me His help, His love and His directions because I unknowingly have this symbol in my home? That is like saying you are going to punish your child for doing something that he or she didn't know was wrong in the first place. Is this who we are to believe our God is. An angry or spiteful God that will punish us for unknowingly doing something wrong? I am sorry but that is NOT my God. My God would understand that in no way, shape or form am I purposefully doing something against Him and He would be forgiving enough to still offer me and my family His strength, His love and His guidance through these difficult times.

Maybe I am wrong but I have always believed that God takes us each at face value. He understands our fears, our doubts, the personal struggles we have encountered on our own seperate paths to discovering our Christianity and it is based on what He knows of each of us individually that will lead us to be judged by Him and Him alone and not on what one religion or another religion based on man's laws says.

I love my father, I love and respect him more then most people on this earth. He has always been there for me. I can turn to him when things are at their hardest and he always tells me he is there for me, he supports me and he never has strings attached to that love and support. So because of this I will do what he asks. I will remove the Rosary beads from the Bible. Not because I think it is somehow keeping God out of my home but because it is important to my dad. It will give him the peace of mind that he needs right now. I only wish that he could once again find the God of love that I know and trust. A truly forgiving God that will be there for you when you need Him regardless of what you may or may not have done in your past, or even what you may unknowingly be doing right now. I pray that somehow my father will once again find a God that should be praised for His love and his glory, not feared because someone here on earth has taken the word of God and twisted it around for their own purpose. Man is an imperfect being and in being so he interprets things only with his understanding not with the understanding of the All Knowing God.

So because of this I say, "Faith alone is the strongest religion." No one on this earth can tell you if your faith is right or wrong. It is something personal between you and God. God will understand your strengths and weaknesses on the day that you stand before Him to be judged. And at least for me and hopefully someday again my father, the God of my Faith is one of Love.

Keep her strong in Your love.

I feel so lost right now. Like I am in the middle of a dark forest with no direction out and the more I look for an escape the more confused I become. If you read yesterday's post you know what is going on.

I ended up at crisis again today with my daughter. Her will to live is becoming less and less. They allowed her to come home but we need to keep an eye on her and next week she begins what is called "Intense Outpatient Therapy". But what about therapy for us? Who takes care of the people who are taking care of the one who needs help? Who tells us how to do this? Or how to live with the guilt if it all fails in the end? How closely do you "keep and eye on her" or will that simply push her too far? Life has never seemed less clear then this week. How do you give someone back the will to live?

She's in her room right now and I just don't know what to do. Do I trust her in there? Do I check on her? What if I go down to her room and my worst fears are realized. What if I check too much and that makes things worse? Why the hell didn't someone write a book on parenting????

I am counting the hours until Bill gets home from work. I need him here, I need his strength even though his is fading as quickly as mine. I just need to know I am not alone in this and that he is here beside me for a few days. And then what? When those few days are over, then what? This doesn't end just because the weekend is over. This isn't just something that disappears overnight. How long do we analyze every word or statement that she makes.

If she says she wants to go to the snow, is that because she wants to see it one last time? If she says she wants to see her nieces is it to say goodbye? She just texted me from her room and said she was taking a nap and the first thing I thought was, will she wake up? How does a parent do this?

I keep getting the same message over and over from people...Pray for her. And I do, God knows how many countless times a day I do. But what if it isn't enough? If we lose her now just as I am finding my faith again what will that do to me, to my family? What if this isn't a test I am ready for?

I guess for now all I can do is pray. All I can do is ask those who know me to pray as well. All I can do is plead to God, "Please Lord, keep her strong in Your love."

Stormy weather ahead

I feel like I am walking toward the end of this dock and although I can see at the end there is nothing but the vastness of an unyielding ocean and the threat of an oncoming storm I can't seem to stop myself.

Each step I take pulls me closer and closer to the edge but I can't turn back. I am angry. Angry at the world. Angry at God. I know I shouldn't be but I am and I don't know how not to be.

There is an unfairness in my life right now, one that I can't overcome. One that can't be fixed and yet I need so desperately to fix it. And it is my inability to fix it that makes me so angry. I am a mom dammit I am suppose to make things better. It's what moms do. It's what I have done for over 20 years. But there is no fixing this and it is tearing me up inside. My daughter is slipping away. She is being pulled into a dark abyss that is threatening to take her from all of us. For the last 20 years I have protected her with all the strength that a mother can give to a child. And there's been a lot to protect her from.

My pregnancy with her had some major complications, the doctors said she may have a lot of problems and we should think about terminating the pregnancy but I said NO!!! She was my child and no matter what was wrong I would have her and take care of her. When she was born I knew right away that things weren't exactly as they should be. She didn't know how to cry but that didn't stop me. I would set an alarm to wake up every two hours to feed her because she couldn't tell us she was awake. It was okay, I would take care of her and once again it would be alright. At eight weeks of age she stopped eating. We found out that her esophagus was not formed properly they said with the medications she would be okay but the medication was given wrong and we almost lost her then. But we made it through that as well. When she was two we discovered that she had a learning disability. She could not talk and needed special help to learn to communicate. So together she and I went to special classes and slowly, little by little she learned. By the time kindergarten started she was right where she needed to be. I had once again protected her. I was her mom, it was my job and I loved doing it.

By second grade school became very difficult for her. She refused to go most days and when she did she had to be literally pried out of my arms kicking and screaming to go to class. It was so hard to take but I knew that by making her attend school that I was again protecting her. By fifth grade she was struggling and her ability to learn was slowing quickly. I found out that she had Central Auditory Processing Disorder and twice a week she attended special classes in Sacramento so that she could learn to over come this. It was hard to get her there but my husband and I did it. It was our way of yet again protecting her.

Junior high came and along with it came a new set of problems. This time I felt like there wasn't a lot I could do for her. She was having trouble making and keeping friends. I didn't know why all I could do for her was listen to her troubles and try to protect her. By high school the struggles with school and peers had become too great. Something was wrong but no one could tell us what. When it finally became more then she could take I opted to home school her for her last year. It was the only way I could protect her.

After high school I thought life would get better. She could go to college or get a job. She had gone through so much growing up that now was her time. A time she could shine. A time that she would show the world that she was a survivor and that I had protected her from all the bad that childhood had thrown at her. What I didn't know is that she was keeping a dark secret from me and this time I couldn't protect her. Finally when that secret became too much for her to deal with on her own she told me. Her boyfriend of more then five years had sexually assaulted her and she couldn't deal with it alone anymore. So I held her and I talked to her. I offered to get her counseling when she was ready. I did what I could to protect her from the pain.

She met a new boy that year. He seemed like such a nice guy. He understood that she had been hurt before and took it slowly with her. They fell in love and got engaged but something about him just wasn't right. I tried to tell her but being a teenager she did what she wanted. They married and everything went wrong. There were fights and tears, break ups and make ups. As things got harder and harder for her we looked for the answer as to why this was happening. We knew that her husband hadn't been honest with her about his past but there was more going on then that. When things got too bad we let her come home. It was our way of protecting her. When we looked deeper into it we discovered that she had Asperger's syndrome. It explained a lot. The difficulties making friends, the problems she was having in her marriage. There was so much that it explained if only we had found out sooner in her life maybe we could have protected her from that as well.

Finally after too much hurt she divorced her husband. There was just too much to deal with between the two of them. Her Asperger's and his growing psychological problems were just too much for any married couple especially ones as young as they were. It hurt her, she didn't want it to end that way. But she did what she could and came home where once again she could be protected.

Things went okay for a while. She was lonely and readjusting to living with her parents after being out on her own was tough but she found a great job and with a few trials and errors she made this job a success. Then back into her life came the old boyfriend. He was both good and bad for her. He knew her, he loved her, he listened to her and made her laugh and smile like I hadn't seen her do in years. She was happy again and in love. She knew it wouldn't be easy but he was the one person who would lover her even with her Asperger's.

He joined the Army and was deployed to Iraq. He wasn't there long when he was shipped home with emotional problems. They tried to work it out but there were just too many issues between the two of them. They loved each other but like all the times they had tried to make it work before they just couldn't do it. Sadly they broke it off again and like always in the past we were there to protect her.

It was about this time that she began cutting herself. It was a stress reliever for her. Life had just thrown way too much at her in her 20 years. When we found out we tried to get her help. She had tried counseling before but would try it again. It is not easy for her to go to counseling with her auditory problems and Asperger Syndrome. She couldn't follow a lot of what the counselor said to her. And this was the one place she didn't want me to come and help her through. She had to do this one on her own and I was proud of her for trying. Try as she might, it just didn't work out. She gave it up after a few sessions and tried to make it on her own.

But things got tough again. She had trouble dating, she still hadn't been able to make or keep friends, she was lonely and just wanted to fit in. To cover up the loneliness she began going out a lot at night to just wander around stores. What we didn't realize is that she had replaced friends and dating with shopping. It had become an addiction and little by little her savings dwindled away. She began cutting again to deal with the stress of the shopping addiction and to deal with her loneliness. She tried to get closer to her brother and sister-in-law but that just didn't work out either. She just wanted a place to belong, a place to fit in and she couldn't find it. Too many of the people she had come in contact with had hurt her. They wouldn't let her in, they didn't want to be bothered with her or her problems. They just couldn't see how badly they were hurting her with their indifference. Then for the final straw she had a fight with her brother. Angry words were said, names were called and she finally couldn't take anymore.

She wrote a note about how badly she was hurting. She apologized to a few people for making their lives so difficult and told them she wouldn't be in the way anymore. She said goodbye to the two people who always made her smile, her nieces. Told them in the letter she loved them more then anything and got in her car and drove away. We never even knew she was gone.

The next morning as I was getting ready for a special day with her that had been planned months ago she came up from her room. In her hand were a pair of scissors, "Kathy said to give you these." was all she said. I was confused until she rolled up her sleeve. Her arm looked terrible. "I almost ended it last night. I was going to but God stopped me. As I was sitting in my car crying I heard Kathy's voice saying, "You can always come over to us if you need to." so I went to the Allio's and they saved me."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't even know anything was wrong. How could I have been so blind. This was my little girl. The one I had protected for so many years. I had been her voice when she couldn't find the words to speak for herself. I still attend so many appointments with her because she needs me to speak for her when she gets to overwhelmed or confused. I have made it my life to help her and protect her yet this caught me totally off guard.

We talked and she showed me the letter she had written. It tore me up inside to read it. So much pain and so little I can do to stop it. She explained how much the Allio's had helped her. "Dear Lord thank you so much for that family." She explained why she didn't feel comfortable talking to us. She felt like we cared more about her brother and his family then her. I can look back now and see why she felt that way. We spend a lot of time with them because of our grandchildren but in no way do we love them more then her. She is our child the one we fought to bring into this world. The one we fought to keep safe in this world and protect from this world. And now she is our daughter, the one we will fight to keep in this world. Nothing and no one will get in the way of that goal. So fair warning to all...if you can't love my daughter, respect my daughter and treat my daughter the way she deserves to be treated then you have no place in my life right now. SHE IS MY DAUGHTER, the one I have fought for over the past 20 years and she is the one I will continue to fight for as long as I possibly can.

But how do I fight for her. I can't find her friends, I can't help her with all that is going on in her relationships in life. I can't make this one better and it is tearing me up inside. How do I help her? How do I save her? I feel her slipping further and further away from me into that dark abyss and I find myself getting closer and closer to the edge of the storm that is brewing in the distance. Its a storm that I don't know how to escape. I can't lose this fight. Yet how do I fight against something that I can't fix?

How do I let her know how incredibly lost her dad and I would be without her in our lives. She is not now nor has she ever been a burden to us. She is simply our daughter. Is she perfect, no. Do we love her more then anything, yes. Can we save her? I don't know. Dear God I hope so. So I guess even though I am angry. Angry at the situation, angry that I can't help her or take the pain away and yes even angry at God because I can't understand how He could make one person have to go through so much in 20 short years. I will do the only thing I know how to do. I will protect her as best as I can and pray that God will hold her in His arms and he will keep her safe.

My Morning Email

The reason I get up in the morning.....my daily emails from the man I love!!!!

This arrived this morning from Wil:


Good Morning!!!

Hope you are in a better mood today, take time off from Ping. Just think about you and I. We are the most important thing in ours lives, not money or other people, just you and I.

So keep it in your mind as the days go by that there really isn't anything more important than US!!! Even in the Lords prayer the most meaningful word is the word US. Man and wife are the strongest when standing together, as US we can stand through anything. So stand with me and I will stand beside you and together we will be strong.

Love You Babe!!!!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

wil


What more can I say about this post except Thank you Lord for giving me the gift of my husband!

Will God Understand????

These last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. It is something I have tried to keep to myself but I can't do that anymore.

So a little history on my life recently. We have a neighbor. He is 78 years old, has NO family that will care for him and is suffering from Dementia. Sandy had been his caretaker a few months ago but it did not work out because like all people with Dementia he believes he is fine and doesn't need help.

So jump forward a few months. I come home to find Mr Ping in his front yards with several police. He does not know who he is and they ask me if I know him. I say yes, that my daughter was his caretaker and ask what is wrong.

They explain that he was just found wandering the streets of Vacaville and no one knows who he is. So I explain that he had a stroke two months ago that he has no family to care for him and what I know of the situation. The police ask me if I will come back to the convalescent home he is staying at (luckily they saw a emergency room monitor around his neck and called) and tell his story to the home as they have no information on him.

So I follow the police to the home and we all sit down and talk. The police and the home's manage notice that for the first time Ping is co-operating when I am there and that he trusts me and they ask me if I could please get involved since he will listen to me. I say yes. It is after all how I've been all my life. Always looking out for the underdog, trying to save the world.

So now we will jump ahead a few weeks. Since caring for Ping, taking care of his house while he is in the home, paying his bills for him and just being around him I am learning something. Ping is a millionaire and not just a millionaire but one with a huge heart who wants to help everyone. Unfortunately since he has gotten Dementia a lot of people have come out from under whatever rocks they are living under and have taken advantage of him. He has been writing checks for thousands of dollars to anyone who gives him a sad story.

So I take control of his checkbook and make sure that he is no longer just giving his money away. I know it makes him happy but he needs his money to pay for the home he will have to live in and he can't, like me, save the world.

Well as Ping and I become closer and I do more for him he is constantly saying. I want to pay off your house, or I want to pay off Sandy's car and buy her a home. Or if we are at a store he wants to buy me stuff. But that isn't why I am doing this. I am doing this because he is alone and no one else will. I keep trying to convince him that he needs to save his money for him. I am fine, actually I am not fine financially. I am disabled so I can no longer work, the state disability is still trying to decide if I qualify for SSI, my husband has just found out that his job is in jeapordy and that even if he keeps it there will be a large cut in pay. He is now the sole support of our family and every cent he makes goes towards the bills. We lived too long with two paychecks and always thought we would so we made some mistakes that are catching up to us now.

So here I sit, caring for an elderly millionaire who everyday offers to help us out and I continue to say no. I am taking no payment for all that I am doing for him. He has become dependent on me and needs to see me seven days a week sometimes several times a day or he panics and escapes the home he is at to try and walk to me. Then the police are called in and he is taken back and told to stay. It is getting harder and harder to convince him to stay and since he has not been declared incompetent yet, the hearing hasn't happened, no one can actually force him to do anything. All we can do is ask that he return and so far he has with a lot of convincing from me.

Well yesterday I had a three hour meeting with the state social worker and the head of the home where he is staying. You see Pings sister in China has power of attorney over him. However since she does not live in the United States it is not recognized. So there is no one to make decisions for him. I have talked several times to his sister and begged her to at least get involved but she refuses. Also he has a nephew, a brain surgeon, at Stanford Teaching Hospital who is close but refuses to get involved, a brother in Sacramento and a brother in Berkley. None of which want to help. So the state will declare him incompetent and he will become a ward of the state and lose his home, his car, his money, all that he has worked for.

He cries on me daily, asking me why the United States is holding him prisioner. He begs me to get him on a plane to Hong Kong where he will be free again. But I can't do that. In fact I can't do this anymore. Helping him is slowly eatting away at me. At my health and at my heart. It is making me question my decisions and is constantly putting me at odds with my beliefs in God and what is right and what the devil would have me do.

How easy it would be to take the financial offering from Ping. To let him pay off our bills or our home like he offers daily. But that is sooo wrong. Yet just this morning my son tells me, maybe this is God sending you help. Why don't you just take it. NO!!! I can not in my heart beleive that is the right thing to do. And because the stress of this situation is taking such a toll on my health I am going to have to walk away from this man who trusts me so much.

I am having the episodes that put me in the hospital in November again. I am exhausted, my family never sees me and nothing is getting done but stuff for Ping. I love the mental challenges it gives me, I love feeling useful again, but I can't take the stress and the temptation anymore. Is that wrong? Will God understand if I have to walk away? Where do I put my family and my health in all of this? If I continued to help, next week I would have so much to do that it would be nearly impossible for me. Get someone to clean his home, he is having a business associate fly out for a few days and stay at his home and the home is filthy. Get Ping his weekly groceries plus get groceries for his guest. Get someone out to fix the leak he has in his main water pipe in the front of his house. Take Ping to buy a computer because his died and he needs one to finish his book. Get ATT hooked up at his room in the home so he has phones and internet. Get a bed and linens for the houseguest. Pick up his friend at the airport. Get his weekly bills paid. Get his taxes taken care of. Take him to buy some new shoes since he has worn out the soles on his and his feet are getting wet. Figure out a way to get him to allow them to check his blood sugar levels and give him his insulin because he is refusing. Get him to his doctor appointments and try to keep him calm enough during all this so that his blood pressure doesn't go too high and he has another stroke. Then after all that I need to take care of my home, my husband and my health. I just can't do it, physically, not to mention mentally it is impossible.

So what do I do? I don't know. I know I am taking four days away from the situation to think clearly about what it is I need to do. I need to ask God for guidance and get my head clear again. I don't want to live with the temptation of accepting something from this man that is wrong but I don't want to abandon him at his greatest time of need. Yet his family sits by and does nothing but waits for him to pass on and they will come with their hands out wanting the money. How wrong is that? How wrong is all of this, that a man who has family is left alone and afraid in his old age.

So if you are out there, say a prayer for me. Ask God to guide me in the right direction. Right now I just don't know which way that is.

In the Begining.......

I tell you the truth,

anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child

will never enter it.

Luke 18:17

The above passage has always been dear to me. I taught Sunday school for five years it was during these years that I felt closest to God. I taught second grade and what an incredible age that is. My students were like little sponges eager to absorb the word of God. There was no doubt in them. All that they learned was readily accepted. Ahh to have the faith of a child. No questions, no doubts, just to believe simply because it is told to you. Every Sunday their faces would light up as they learned more and more about the word of God. It is something I will never forget and it is something I will always wish I had experienced as a child.

Unfortunately there wasn't a lot said about God in my home growing up. My sister and I knew about God, we were supposively Catholics but church wasn't something my parents attended. Yes we had crucifixes and we even said The Lord's Prayer every evening right before bed but I knew nothing of this God or of His church. However, I am the lucky one, as I grew older I met several friends whose belief in God was very important in their lives and slowly I began to learn from them about faith. Unfortunately my sister did just the opposite and never did find a belief in God.

I attended several different churches during my junior high years. Some I enjoyed, some were just way too out there for me. I just couldn't seem to find where I belonged. Finally my neighbor saw that I was looking to find my place in God's world and asked me to attend our local Catholic church with her. Something just clicked. I liked the traditions that were associated with this religion. I found that I could relate more to a priest in robes then to a pastor in a business suit. I think a lot of it had to do with my family being Catholic for so many generations but I felt as if I belonged there so it is there that I stayed for many years.

It has been years since I have been to church, I'm not even sure how long, probably about 15 years. Too many negatives and hurt feelings have kept me from returning to the Catholic church. I believe worshiping God should be a joyous occasion not one filled with guilt. It is funny I watch the "Catholics Come Home" commercials and I can easily understand why it is the Catholic church is struggling. If you click on the Catholics Come Home link above you can watch what the Catholic church believes is an invitation back, however all I see when I watch it is a lot of guilt being thrust down upon Catholics. Who wants to live with that kind of guilt? Not me and it's definitely not something I can see myself returning to.

So where does this leave me? Several people have told me that I am not a Christian because I do not attend church. Is that true or is our faith what we make of it? I believe that faith alone is the strongest religion. I do not need man's church for man is imperfect. All I need is the Word of God to guide me in this life. Perhaps I am wrong, but maybe I am right. Unfortunately only time will tell. So for now I will live my life to the best of my abilities and let God take over the rest.

The Past.....

Remember how it felt when you first discovered your true Christianity? I do. It was such an awesome feeling. You wanted to share it with everyone, you wanted that feeling to be passed along so that all could feel the awe that had taken over your heart.

The picture above reminds me of that time, it also reminds me of one of my favorite Stephen Curtis Chapman songs, The Mountain. It speaks of the faith we can find when life is peaceful and when our faith is not disrupted by the hassles of everyday life.
"My faith is strenghtened by all that I see. You make it easy for me to believe, up on the mountain." But what happens when we come off of this mountain? When the newness and awe is gone or when our faith has been tested in so many ways that you wonder can I ever find that faith again. Well that is where I am at, so begining today I want to find my way back up onto that mountain.

I want to "Draw Near to God" once again and find the way to live my faith even at times when life doesn't allow me to live "Up on the mountain." It is because of this that I have decided to start this blog. I'd like to find others out there who may have answers for my questions, who may also be struggling with their faith and even people who may just be starting out on their path to faith. Hopefully as I find myself again I can help others along the way.

So I hope you enjoy my blog and I hope together with all my readers we can all find a way back up onto that mountain.