Stormy weather ahead

I feel like I am walking toward the end of this dock and although I can see at the end there is nothing but the vastness of an unyielding ocean and the threat of an oncoming storm I can't seem to stop myself.

Each step I take pulls me closer and closer to the edge but I can't turn back. I am angry. Angry at the world. Angry at God. I know I shouldn't be but I am and I don't know how not to be.

There is an unfairness in my life right now, one that I can't overcome. One that can't be fixed and yet I need so desperately to fix it. And it is my inability to fix it that makes me so angry. I am a mom dammit I am suppose to make things better. It's what moms do. It's what I have done for over 20 years. But there is no fixing this and it is tearing me up inside. My daughter is slipping away. She is being pulled into a dark abyss that is threatening to take her from all of us. For the last 20 years I have protected her with all the strength that a mother can give to a child. And there's been a lot to protect her from.

My pregnancy with her had some major complications, the doctors said she may have a lot of problems and we should think about terminating the pregnancy but I said NO!!! She was my child and no matter what was wrong I would have her and take care of her. When she was born I knew right away that things weren't exactly as they should be. She didn't know how to cry but that didn't stop me. I would set an alarm to wake up every two hours to feed her because she couldn't tell us she was awake. It was okay, I would take care of her and once again it would be alright. At eight weeks of age she stopped eating. We found out that her esophagus was not formed properly they said with the medications she would be okay but the medication was given wrong and we almost lost her then. But we made it through that as well. When she was two we discovered that she had a learning disability. She could not talk and needed special help to learn to communicate. So together she and I went to special classes and slowly, little by little she learned. By the time kindergarten started she was right where she needed to be. I had once again protected her. I was her mom, it was my job and I loved doing it.

By second grade school became very difficult for her. She refused to go most days and when she did she had to be literally pried out of my arms kicking and screaming to go to class. It was so hard to take but I knew that by making her attend school that I was again protecting her. By fifth grade she was struggling and her ability to learn was slowing quickly. I found out that she had Central Auditory Processing Disorder and twice a week she attended special classes in Sacramento so that she could learn to over come this. It was hard to get her there but my husband and I did it. It was our way of yet again protecting her.

Junior high came and along with it came a new set of problems. This time I felt like there wasn't a lot I could do for her. She was having trouble making and keeping friends. I didn't know why all I could do for her was listen to her troubles and try to protect her. By high school the struggles with school and peers had become too great. Something was wrong but no one could tell us what. When it finally became more then she could take I opted to home school her for her last year. It was the only way I could protect her.

After high school I thought life would get better. She could go to college or get a job. She had gone through so much growing up that now was her time. A time she could shine. A time that she would show the world that she was a survivor and that I had protected her from all the bad that childhood had thrown at her. What I didn't know is that she was keeping a dark secret from me and this time I couldn't protect her. Finally when that secret became too much for her to deal with on her own she told me. Her boyfriend of more then five years had sexually assaulted her and she couldn't deal with it alone anymore. So I held her and I talked to her. I offered to get her counseling when she was ready. I did what I could to protect her from the pain.

She met a new boy that year. He seemed like such a nice guy. He understood that she had been hurt before and took it slowly with her. They fell in love and got engaged but something about him just wasn't right. I tried to tell her but being a teenager she did what she wanted. They married and everything went wrong. There were fights and tears, break ups and make ups. As things got harder and harder for her we looked for the answer as to why this was happening. We knew that her husband hadn't been honest with her about his past but there was more going on then that. When things got too bad we let her come home. It was our way of protecting her. When we looked deeper into it we discovered that she had Asperger's syndrome. It explained a lot. The difficulties making friends, the problems she was having in her marriage. There was so much that it explained if only we had found out sooner in her life maybe we could have protected her from that as well.

Finally after too much hurt she divorced her husband. There was just too much to deal with between the two of them. Her Asperger's and his growing psychological problems were just too much for any married couple especially ones as young as they were. It hurt her, she didn't want it to end that way. But she did what she could and came home where once again she could be protected.

Things went okay for a while. She was lonely and readjusting to living with her parents after being out on her own was tough but she found a great job and with a few trials and errors she made this job a success. Then back into her life came the old boyfriend. He was both good and bad for her. He knew her, he loved her, he listened to her and made her laugh and smile like I hadn't seen her do in years. She was happy again and in love. She knew it wouldn't be easy but he was the one person who would lover her even with her Asperger's.

He joined the Army and was deployed to Iraq. He wasn't there long when he was shipped home with emotional problems. They tried to work it out but there were just too many issues between the two of them. They loved each other but like all the times they had tried to make it work before they just couldn't do it. Sadly they broke it off again and like always in the past we were there to protect her.

It was about this time that she began cutting herself. It was a stress reliever for her. Life had just thrown way too much at her in her 20 years. When we found out we tried to get her help. She had tried counseling before but would try it again. It is not easy for her to go to counseling with her auditory problems and Asperger Syndrome. She couldn't follow a lot of what the counselor said to her. And this was the one place she didn't want me to come and help her through. She had to do this one on her own and I was proud of her for trying. Try as she might, it just didn't work out. She gave it up after a few sessions and tried to make it on her own.

But things got tough again. She had trouble dating, she still hadn't been able to make or keep friends, she was lonely and just wanted to fit in. To cover up the loneliness she began going out a lot at night to just wander around stores. What we didn't realize is that she had replaced friends and dating with shopping. It had become an addiction and little by little her savings dwindled away. She began cutting again to deal with the stress of the shopping addiction and to deal with her loneliness. She tried to get closer to her brother and sister-in-law but that just didn't work out either. She just wanted a place to belong, a place to fit in and she couldn't find it. Too many of the people she had come in contact with had hurt her. They wouldn't let her in, they didn't want to be bothered with her or her problems. They just couldn't see how badly they were hurting her with their indifference. Then for the final straw she had a fight with her brother. Angry words were said, names were called and she finally couldn't take anymore.

She wrote a note about how badly she was hurting. She apologized to a few people for making their lives so difficult and told them she wouldn't be in the way anymore. She said goodbye to the two people who always made her smile, her nieces. Told them in the letter she loved them more then anything and got in her car and drove away. We never even knew she was gone.

The next morning as I was getting ready for a special day with her that had been planned months ago she came up from her room. In her hand were a pair of scissors, "Kathy said to give you these." was all she said. I was confused until she rolled up her sleeve. Her arm looked terrible. "I almost ended it last night. I was going to but God stopped me. As I was sitting in my car crying I heard Kathy's voice saying, "You can always come over to us if you need to." so I went to the Allio's and they saved me."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't even know anything was wrong. How could I have been so blind. This was my little girl. The one I had protected for so many years. I had been her voice when she couldn't find the words to speak for herself. I still attend so many appointments with her because she needs me to speak for her when she gets to overwhelmed or confused. I have made it my life to help her and protect her yet this caught me totally off guard.

We talked and she showed me the letter she had written. It tore me up inside to read it. So much pain and so little I can do to stop it. She explained how much the Allio's had helped her. "Dear Lord thank you so much for that family." She explained why she didn't feel comfortable talking to us. She felt like we cared more about her brother and his family then her. I can look back now and see why she felt that way. We spend a lot of time with them because of our grandchildren but in no way do we love them more then her. She is our child the one we fought to bring into this world. The one we fought to keep safe in this world and protect from this world. And now she is our daughter, the one we will fight to keep in this world. Nothing and no one will get in the way of that goal. So fair warning to all...if you can't love my daughter, respect my daughter and treat my daughter the way she deserves to be treated then you have no place in my life right now. SHE IS MY DAUGHTER, the one I have fought for over the past 20 years and she is the one I will continue to fight for as long as I possibly can.

But how do I fight for her. I can't find her friends, I can't help her with all that is going on in her relationships in life. I can't make this one better and it is tearing me up inside. How do I help her? How do I save her? I feel her slipping further and further away from me into that dark abyss and I find myself getting closer and closer to the edge of the storm that is brewing in the distance. Its a storm that I don't know how to escape. I can't lose this fight. Yet how do I fight against something that I can't fix?

How do I let her know how incredibly lost her dad and I would be without her in our lives. She is not now nor has she ever been a burden to us. She is simply our daughter. Is she perfect, no. Do we love her more then anything, yes. Can we save her? I don't know. Dear God I hope so. So I guess even though I am angry. Angry at the situation, angry that I can't help her or take the pain away and yes even angry at God because I can't understand how He could make one person have to go through so much in 20 short years. I will do the only thing I know how to do. I will protect her as best as I can and pray that God will hold her in His arms and he will keep her safe.